We live in a society where a matrimonial alliance
between an older man and a younger woman is considered a norm. Usually, an age
gap of 3-5 years is followed while seeking the rishtas in the
traditional arranged marriage setup, keeping in mind that the girl should be
younger than the boy. Even our Bollywood heroes do not age and it is common to
see them romancing with heroines who are half of their age on-screen. No one
seems to bother or question this age gap as long as the man is older than the
woman. But what happens when we reverse the situation? How does our society
look at older women dating/marrying men younger than them?
Interestingly, while browsing through the internet I
came across the term ‘cougar’ that is used in a derogatory sense to refer to
the “older women” as a predator who lures the younger men into a relationship. On
the other hand, we have another term “gold digger” reserved for the younger
woman who takes advantage of a rich older man known as “sugar daddy”, one who
showers a young woman with expensive gifts in exchange for a relationship.
Now, I was particularly intrigued by some of the memes
that were circulated on the internet recently when Katrina Kaif and Vicky
Kaushal tied the knot. These memes basically pointed at the age difference
between them as Katrina is much elder than Vicky. The list is long if we
consider the celebrities couple in India wherein the women are elder to their
respective husbands. For example, Neha Kakkar and Rohan Preet Singh (10 Years),
Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas (10 Years), Gauhar Khan and Zaid Darbar (8
Years), Bharti Singh and Haarsh Limbachiya (9 years), Farah Khan and Sirish
Kunder (8 years). The number in the brackets denote the age difference and most
importantly in all these cases, the woman is much elder than the man. No
eyebrow is raised if the man is way elder than the woman and it is generally
considered as acceptable. For example, in the case of weddings of Saif Ali Khan
and Kareena Kapoor (11 Years), Milind Soman and Ankita Konwar (26 years).
We can say that the matrimonial alliance between an elder
woman and a younger man is now getting acceptability to some extent in rich
upper-class society. But is it a new and recent phenomenon to be observed in
our society? Interestingly, Subhadra Channa in a paper titled “Older Women,
Younger men” highlighted that it has been in practice in many tribal
communities across India. She writes that Bondos, Bhils, Hos, Lepchas have the
older wives normatively as compared to the husbands. So, we can say that this
is not a recent phenomenon and has been in practice in some of the tribal
communities in our country.
Considering the scenario in the tribal communities, I wanted
to shift the attention to our contemporary caste-based society. What is the
scenario in our middle-class society? Does our society accept such marriages
with an open heart?
I came across two incidents wherein the man/ groom was
younger in comparison to the woman/ bride. I am writing based on my own personal
experiences wherein this kind of marriage has been accepted by their respective
families. In the first case, the girl was about 2 years elder than the boy and
it was an arranged marriage set-up. So, the girl’s family beforehand mentioned
this point and as the boy’s family did not have any objection to the same, they
are happily married now.
In the second case, the girl is almost 5 years elder than
the boy. Both of them befriended on social media and later on convinced their immediate
families to give their consent for the wedding. Interestingly, their extended
family members and relatives were not aware of the situation. The marriage took
place in a similar manner as an arranged marriage even though it was a love
marriage. And all is well in the end.
What is important here is that, if the man and woman
and their immediate families do not have any objections to the marriage then
the extended family members, relatives, neighbours etc. are not involved in the
decision-making process. This is also in sync with the popular Urdu phrase that
‘Jab Miyan Biwi Raazi Toh Kya Karega Qazi’? (meaning when two people agree on something
then there is no need for the third party). Also as per some survey reports,
about 81% of women are open to dating someone 10 years younger than they are, and
about 90% of men are open to dating someone 10 years older. So, in a nutshell,
age is just a number when it comes to dating or weddings.
Links:
https://www.today.com/tmrw/more-older-women-are-dating-younger-men-survey-says-here-t231858
https://www.jstor.org/stable/41919869?read now=1&refreqid=excelsior%3A39d205e3442549ab542302fdba1a649a&seq=2#page_scan_tab_contents
